Armenian Money Train

Sorry for the obscure reference in the title but for those of you who watch “The Shield”, you will know what I mean when I say I feel like we just robbed the Armenian Money Train. I’ll explain…

As chronicled in this blog, for the past 3 years, Christi and I have wanted nothing more than to make a baby. We spent countless hours in doctor’s offices, traveled to Houston to meet with fertility specialists, exhausted our savings with in-vitro, and cried ourselves to sleep a couple of times in the process. In the end, it was all worth it.

Christi’s completed 31 of the 38 weeks and doing a wonderful job of growing our children. We are completely ready for our boys to come. It’s now up to them to tell us when they are ready. The last couple of weeks have been really quiet. Buying clothes here and toys there occupies our time.

It looked as though my boys inherited my inability to remember which holiday is in May. Monday may have been Memorial Day but the boys sure thought it was Labor Day! At 8pm, Christi reluctantly mentioned that she thought she had a cramp… or a contraction. What? Then she mentioned another… 6 minutes later… another. SHIT! She’s in labor. Ok… remember your training Dad. Breathe, drink water, lot’s of water… “Someone boil some water and get me some hot towels!” We have two helpless children coming. Our family is going to start right now. Sleepless nights, little league, report cards, drivers ed… AHHHH!

After a tense two hours the contractions subsided. We ordered a pizza and ate in complete silence.

Holy crap… what have we done?

April Showers

April was an eventful month. Christi’s baby shower was on the 21st followed by a baby shower for my nephew and his wife on the 22nd. With lots of preparation leading up to the parties, it seemed like April was full of panic to get ready for the big weekend. We were very fortunate to have the Dallas girls come down to Austin to lend a hand. Thanks to a lot of planning and a little luck...both parties were a hit.

I was excited about the opportunity to relax the last weekend of the month. Saturday and Sunday made an excellent cap to the month. Saturday… NFL Draft Day would mean an 8-hour marathon of college highlights and draft picks. Sunday… breakfast downtown, a nap, and the Sopranos. I was looking forward to a May where Christi’s energy levels necessitated more couch-bound weekends.

Yesterday, we visited Dr. Seeker to get a black-and-white view of the boys. The sonograms proved that everyone was healthy and growing rapidly. We were assured that, should the boys be born today, they would have 100% chance of survival... a relief. That was when I made a mistake that would cost me my planned Spring Couch-O-Thon. I made mention to Christi that we had only ten more weeks of coasting until the babies arrived. Like Rosie O'Donnell hearing that someone ate the last donut, I saw a look of horror pass over her face. The following rant ensued: “10 WEEKS! We only have 10 weeks? No, that can’t be right! 1,2…4…8…10 – Holy SHIT! We have lots of stuff to do to get ready!” As I looked into Christi’s eyes, I could see the reflection of spreadsheets, task lists, and email reminders. There was work to be done.

I immediately felt the remote control getting separation anxiety. I could hear the XBox let out deep, slow-motion wail “NOooooo…” The television couldn’t even look me in the eye. They, and I, knew I had let them all down.

Female Conversation

This weekend was eventful. My sister, Tanya, threw a baby shower for Christi which meant a weekend visit from friends and family. The first to arrive were Stacy, Kristi, and Amanda. These girls, all married to my buddies in Dallas, have adopted Christi.

Friday evening I joined the four girls for dinner. As the only male at the table I was privy to a completely different form of communication. The priority of dinner was clearly not eating. Words poured out of all four females at a machine gun pace. No pause long enough for a breath, no topic off limits. They discussed waxing, shaving, polishing, buffing, curling, cracking, and bleeding. Next, and in this order, were: driving, television, pediatricians, dogs, movies, breasts, drinking, cats, insurance, and a little sports. The only pause was when the waiter introduced himself and took our drink order. I’ve never been happier to see a gay man in my life. I was able to find a TV in the distance showing a baseball game to occupy my mind instead of trying to keep up with the conversation.

Forced to try to regain some of my manhood, the following morning I drove downtown and bought a new shotgun. I gathered up my nephews and a friend to shoot a little skeet while the girls went to the shower. A shotgun range made for a quiet afternoon compared to the previous evenings dinner. We met up at my sister house shortly after 4pm. Christi had a wonderful time at the shower and received more gifts than our house would hold. A good start to the weekend.

Part 18 - MASSEY 2.0

We’ve passed the second tri-mester mark and we are getting really close to the next phase of our lives – MASSEY 2.0.

As the fateful day approaches, we find ourselves swimming in the enormity of all the preparation. From the beginning, we were aware that Christi may be on house-arrest during the final month (very common in twin pregnancies). We are working with a tight schedule.

We started to develop a checklist of tasks. This list started out modest enough - furniture, family friendly transportation, and a few accessories. Our downfall… gathering too much information.

Friends and family are very liberal with advice on what our babies will need. Our short list of “Shit we need to get done” quickly ballooned into “A comprehensive strategy for Massey parenthood preparedness with a focus on household and lifestyle readiness”. No longer a list; we soon had a Mission Statement, Guiding Principles and Tenets, and a Financial Business Case complete with Risk Assessments. We quickly learned that baby stuff is NOT cheap - particularly when we need to purchase items in pairs. I am now shopping our Business Plan for MASSEY 2.0 and looking for investors seeking equity stake.

In all honesty, things are going really well. We have hit most of our major milestones and are almost complete with the major tasks. MASSEY 2.0 is in full swing and all we need is a shiny new SUV and a couple of kids to throw in the backseat.

Part 17 - Movement

It’s been almost two full months since I wrote my last blog entry. I am making a commitment to post more often, just for the simple catharsis of it all.

Since the accidental discovery that we were having boys, Christi and I have built a much stronger bond with the little guys. We have determined that Judsen is on the left - Owen on the right. They are moving around in there like crazy. Kicking, punching, and rolling around in Christi’s ever-growing belly. I am reminded of the motorcycle act at the circus. You know… the one where two guys on motorcycles go into a huge round cage and circle around each other and upside down.

See what I mean: http://www.vimeo.com/clip:69724/context/tag:circus

Sometimes Christi will be setting quietly on the couch and let out a big “WOW!”… usually because someone has kicked a pancreas, liver, or other major organ. It’s usually followed by an announcement that either Judsen or Owen “is awake”. She will sit for hours on end with her hands rotating around her globe of a belly with a Cheshire grin. I enjoy feeling them move around too but get more enjoyment from seeing Christi happy to know that they are doing well.

Astonishingly, Christi is starting to look a little different to me. I don’t think it’s the proverbial “glow”… it’s something different. Almost a wisdom that I had not noticed in her eyes before. I see her knowing more than I know about life, parenthood, right and wrong. She is ready to be a mommy.

Part 16 – Slip of the Lip

Christi and I wanted the sex of our babies to be a surprise. We fantasized about the moment the babies were delivered, me running into a crowded room, telling a room full of friends and family… We have [insert baby sexes here]. The surprise was on us, this secret upset our friends and family. Evidently, the fun for them is actually buying clothing and toys specifically for baby girls or boys (the androgynous stuff is boring). Either because we are hard-headed or we just enjoyed driving everyone nuts… we were sticking to our guns.

This secret was about to come crashing in on us. During a sonogram 6 weeks ago the nurse informed us that she knew the sex of Baby B and had a guess for Baby A. Dr. Seeker swooped in, wiggled the sonogram tool on Christi’s greasy belly, and immediately knew both baby's gender. The nurse and doctor disagreed and made a lunch bet. The loser would buy Taco Bell. Interesting that something so important to us only warranted a lunch at Taco Bell. I was expecting something a little more… pricey.

Two weeks passed and it was time for another sonogram. Our nurse walked in and explained that she was wrong on her guess of Baby A. More importantly, she hid the post-it note that had the terms of the bet from the doctor… Cheating! Not only a cheap bet but the nurse was squelching on it… I felt dirty. She then, as calmly as ever, said: “Well, we know Baby B is a boy for sure”.

WHAT! NO, WE DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW!

The look of horror on the poor nurse’s face was enough to allow Christi and I to forgive her for. She apologized profusely and left quietly when the doctor arrived.

That night Christi and I kept referring to our twins as Owen and The Other Baby. We were instantly bonding with Owen – how unfair. We decided to call the doctor’s office and have them write down the other baby’s gender and stick it in an envelope. It was Valentine’s Day and what a great gift to open at dinner that night.

We don't have much patience. I arrived home from work at 6pm and Christi was waiting at the door, envelope in hand. We sat together on the couch and opened the hand-drawn picture below:

We are having sons! Owen and Judsen.

Things start moving around in there

Part 15 - Rapid Growth

Over the past few weeks we’ve had quite a few new developments. The three that come to mind are Christi’s belly and each boob... all three are growing at an unbelievable pace. Each morning Christi looks like Bruce Banner after a long Hulk rampage... Exhausted, stumbling around the kitchen, in pajamas that are torn to shreds from the rapid growth.

Aside from a couple episodes in the car, Christi’s flown through the morning sickness that accompanies the first trimester. One interesting development has been her acute sense of smell. When most people walk into a kitchen and smell a cake baking, they smell cake. Christi can smell: 2 cups of white sugar, 2 cups of flour, 2 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, semi-sweet chocolate icing (that’s recently expired). The good news is that we can use her to find grub-worms in the backyard this spring.

Christi is now 14 ½ weeks pregnant. As each week passes, parenthood becomes more real. We’ve now transitioned from Dr. Vaughn (the in vitro doctor) to Christi’s regular OB-GYN, Dr. Seeker. There have been several sonograms and the babies are growing fast. They are now the size of lemons and are already fighting. Yes, even through the sonogram’s grainy picture, you can see a couple of little aliens punching each other like Rock‘em Sock’em Robots. I think we are in for a long, long 18 years.

NEXT!

Part 14 - Life Lessons

The holidays have come and gone without much to speak about. The down time gave me lots of time to think about being a dad. I use the word “dad” instead of “father” intentionally. Father insinuates some sort of wisdom about life that I don’t think I have attained in my 33 years. Dads teach their kids how to ride bikes and make fart noises with their armpit. Fathers teach their children about work ethic and the importance of investing. I'll stick with "Dad" for now.

I do, however, have 10 things that I will make damn sure my children know. I’ve put 30+ years into developing this list... so pay attention:

1. Never, ever, get on an elevator until the people getting off are off.
2. No one likes a cheap bastard. Always buy the first round, give gifts for no reason, pick up dinner for no reason.
3. You don’t deserve an award for participating. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not.
4. Strippers lie.
5. Only idiots scream into Nextel phones or use the speaker from 2 inches away. Put the damn thing against your ear.
6. The left lane is for passing only... ONLY!
7. Never leave the bar before it closes. No one likes a quitter.
8. A punch in the Adam’s apple will knock the biggest guy down long enough for the fight to be broken up or for you to run away.
9. You never "need" a drink. You just "want" a drink really bad.
10. All you truly have control over is your integrity. Spend your whole life trying to maintain it.

I hope that having children will give me some essence of wisdom… but for today... I’ll settle for the list of hard lessons I learned.

Rapid Growth